Surrender is a horrible word

January 11, 2018

 

Surrender was the last thing on earth I could ever imagine. After being discouraged by my mother to pursue my dream of operating a horse farm where people could come to ride and learn how to take care of horses no matter what their ability, I learned to ignore others and forge ahead. It became my mantra, "full speed ahead". 

 

My addiction to feeling sorry for myself was fueled by my love of engaging the undoable task. So I took the impossible job every chance I could. I become the youngest success at a Fortune 100 winning accolades reserved for 20 year veterans. I moved on and bought a used military base just to stand out and be able to say "Go Away" to the world. It felt like home for about 10 minutes and then it was nothing but work. I was home again.

 

Working that hard was and still is a disease in and of itself and it all came crashing down around me in December of 1987 when an entire bar and restaurant got up and walked out when I and my reputation walked in. My mother uninvited me to that Christmas. I was clueless and devastated. I had my last drink sometime in January 1988 and stayed sober for nearly 12 years until 2000 when I went out for one night and a warm beer just to test my capacity for stupid,

 

I discovered that I had never, ever surrended but in fact had stayed sober for all that time from my pride in front of my 12-step friends. And pride. like a bottled sauce on an expensive steak, fully and finally failed me. My world crashed and burned to the point where I made my daughter cry and run away from me.

 

Surrender is indeed the only way for me. So while you will hear me speak up and share my experience, I won't tell you at all what I think of your life plan. It scares some people when there are no opinions from me. 

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