12 Steps in 12 Weeks

What really will the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous do for me? Well, really, everything. Let's remember that I had nothing to begin with. With a nickname like, "Ruthless", I was, as they say, "morally bankrupt" and, finally, not afraid to admit it. And then I started going to meetings and stopped drinking. I was an overnight nightmare in the rooms. Since I had no money and no insurance for detox, a few older AA gentlemen kindly advised me on detoxing with a single shot on day 2 and a half shot on the morning of day 4, but after that, I was drinking milk and coffee.

Sober, with no means and no skill set to face life as life's terms. I had a skill set to get what I wanted when I wanted it; but they would have to be adapted for a gentler and warmer me. I still went to work every morning and looked forward to my AA meetings in the evening. But how to react when faced with any kind of challenge? I had no clue. The women of AA, in particular my sponsor began with simple advice. They would start off with take a deep breathe, your anger won't get you too far, don't be a doormat but don't slam the door. The contradicting metaphors were flying around me but little by little, bit by bit, they soon started to make sense. My judgement improved slowly and not without epic moments of embarrassment. The softer, gentler ones were few and far between.

The steps came to me after I was complaining too much, even for me. So my sponsor gave me one week to do each step and every Saturday I showed up to discuss, read, and write with her. Three months later I finished them and my little pack of sober women immediately got me a sponsee. I often wonder why some say, go slowly through the steps. How long do you want to be miserable for? It was indeed a great relief to share with another the story of my life and the details of my fall from grace, but really, I never had any grace to start with. I fell not from grace but from one kind of hell into a different hell. And then the steps loomed in front of me, I did them and it did help me find hope that I could be a better person.

Living in the steps allows me to live with a small committee of good and smart people that I sit down and speak with, sigh and cry with during the poignant moments and find comfort in knowing that they are there for me. You can't expect that I would ever believe that would happen in the beginning. I didn't and yet here I am.