The Surrendered Life

To surrender means different things to different people, so here's my definition of surrender: to not run through my day thinking I'm in charge. When I really think about it, there's too much pressure to be in charge anyway. Recently, I tried to be in charge when I got upset over something that's not that important. I carried it to the point that I hurt someone's feelings.

For example, I had given two small televisions to my ex-mother-in-law. Since she just passed, my ex lost the keys and since he's pawned many, many things in the name of his addiction, I'm thinking, 'there go the TVs." So, I yelled at him for being an addict on the day she died.

Then I thought, that was severe. It's his being irresponsible but, really, you gave an addict two televisions and an admonition not to pawn them. Really? This anger is deep. Let's look underneath it. My OCD? Where everything has it's place and everything is being put to good use. I am safe now because I am a good person, putting everything to good use. It's a control issue on my part for my own safety's sake. When things are piling up and messy, I'm not safe because (1) my mother said so and (2) my mother said I was lazy and will now be beaten.

But even that doesn't feel like it. It's my anger at him from pawning stuff and blowing up our marriage and from me thinking I can make his life better. Guess what? I can't. I need to accept and surrender that I am no hero. I am not even that much of a do-gooder if I expected the TVs back. Nope, surrender my will to the greater Good's will. So, I will, and I am instantly not angry anymore.

Surrender to the greater Good and allow my own definition to get to work in my own addicted mind-I'm rolling through my day and I'm not in charge.